Monday, January 08, 2007
Surprise!!! I want to inform everyone that I will not be blogging anymore. At least not on this url. If you want to know what my next space will be, pls drop in ur email add or send me a line to my email add and I will let u know the url.
Have a great year ahead!
Posted at 03:10 pm by starlight
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Didn't realize that it's already been 2
months since I wrote my last entry… Every weekend I would say I will
just do it or on Saturday I would say I will write something the next
day but somehow it just doesn't happen. I miss my blog. It's part of
me. I wish I could say whatever I wanted. Feel free to express myself
the way I used to. But things have changed… Too many things have
I don't have time to
myself. I don't have time to think. I can't enjoy a moment alone with a
fag. I can't cry coz am considered weak after that. I can't really
refuse to go out coz after that I get to face coldness and harsh words.
I can't do what I want. I can't go out alone without feeling guilty
even though I am not doing anything wrong. I can't confide in anyone
because of gossips. I can't talk to anyone at home coz I will be
hard to be a parent. It's hard to be a daughter and a sister too. You
need to understand that I have a life also. Of my own. That I have
grown up to an adult. I can take my own decisions bearing in mind a lot
of things all the time. I break my back the whole week and come back
home exhausted every night. I encourage myself not to give up by
thinking that on Saturday I will have a nice relaxing time. A
well-deserved one. I am stressed to the core. There is no
understanding. No way of talking. Even if am listened to, is it all
pretence? Who is true to me? Who? Thought I could confide and have an
ally in someone but it turned out that it's impossible.
I am judged. Or I need to give a reason for my actions all the time.
Why is it that nobody understands that it is MY wish? Coz I feel happy
if I do something? Why do I make everyone happy and when it comes to
making myself happy I need to give a reason for that? Has anyone ever
thought that I have a life too? That too a life spent in working my ass
off, being sad and frustrated coz I can't be happy the way I wish I
could? Am not a teenager anymore. I don't deserve to be humiliated also.
I have a back that hurts. A neck that hurts badly every night and every
morning. Sometimes I wish I could do things but I can't. I don't have
that energy left anymore coz I am exhausted by the job I do. I live in
fear, doubts, pain and apprehension. Whenever I feel happy am scared.
Coz I know I will face pain again. I have started doubting the
existence of God. I have started doubting a lot of things. A lot of
persons. Am bottling-up too many things. Can't confide in anyone. The
best thing to do is keep things to yourself and pretend everything is
fine. Pretend that you are happy. Just pretend. And make yourself
believe that things are fine. Then it will be easier for you to live in
this world where you are judged and where you can't cry because you are
sad. You don't have the right to 'feel'. Just be on automatic gear.
Smile all the time when inside you are bleeding and desperate to find a
friend in someone coz you can't carry the burden alone.
said. Yes I am sad right now. Yes I am tired right
now. That's my state of mind and state of life right now.
Whether both will improve I dinno. Be positive? I can't. Am
neutral right now. Pain has numbed me...
Posted at 12:30 pm by starlight
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Things have taken a new turn… It’s amazing how some people can be utterly obnoxious!!! My patience had a limit… I am not taking it anymore! Am waiting for one single move and am gonna blast the shit out of her!!! She doesn’t know what’s awaiting her… And her everyday drama won’t work on anyone’s emotions this time. There is a limit to everything and she is seriously getting on everyone’s nerves. Who will set her right? Certainly me!
Everyone I speak to, tells me what a nutcase she is... That she attracts pity on her... My answer is "Is this the way you make friends? By attracting pity???". Another case is someone wanting constant attention... And the methods are whistling, talking loudly and butting in into others' conversation. That too all the time!!! Grrr!!! Result: my neighbour looks at me pointing his finger at his head telling me that she has gone mad!!! God help me!!!
Twists and turns… Excitement… Bliss… Happiness… The stars brighter than usual… The aroma floating in the wind so invigorating… Darkness becomes comforting…
Posted at 01:59 pm by starlight
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I knew it!!! I was dreading it! And yet I saw it coming! Bang!
Will elaborate on it later…
Oh something has settled in… It’s one of the vices… And I find it utterly ridiculous… I wonder when some people will grow up…
Catch you later!
Posted at 01:37 pm by starlight
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Rise and fall... And rise again!
This week was different at work. Yeah something was different… Things just got worse!!! That’s the difference!!!
Anyway, it’s been terrible and as usual I lost track of the days… I really mean it! I would find myself asking Mom which day it is today before going to work!!! If I ask this to Dad he will kick my ass calling me a nutcase! Even Mom would give me weird looks and I would sheepishly say that I didn’t remember!
Am not the only one, mind you! My colleague next to me would keep asking me about the current date and day! Oh lemme mention that I have changed my seat since Monday and I no longer sit next to the guy I had a tiff with… But things are getting better between him and me… Let’s say that we do exchange words indirectly… But we do avoid looking at each other… That’s easy since we don’t face each other or sit next to each other…
But I do sit next to someone now who eats my head the whole day and likes to watch whatever am doing!!! Sigh!!! Sometimes when he calls me I pretend I don’t hear him. First I hate it when someone doesn’t call me by my name (nickname will do) and just says ‘Psst!’ !!!!! That’s one thing that I always have trouble digesting!!! So I just ignore him… Am concentrating hard on my work you see!!!
But I got the place where I wanted to sit right from the beginning. And it faces the window and I can have a look at the sky and the clouds and the mountains and the trees and the birds flying!!! :o) Helps a lot when I move my eyes away from the glaring monitor!
I got my specs and well gotta get used to them. Am in the experimenting phase right now! Started wearing them today as I didn’t get the time to go pick them up during the week. Hope my eyes will improve… They are still causing me some trouble but am being patient… Am really impatient to wear my contact lenses again! Another week! Sigh…
So today I went to work! Yeah even though it’s Saturday! But that was only for 4 hrs. After that the whole bunch went to the trainer’s place. He’ll be leaving in a couple of weeks. Anyhow since I took the car, 3 other colleagues hopped in the car and went to call up Sis and afterwards went to pick up my specs. Then we went to V’s place. We had a good meal there. After lunch I was going downstairs to the car to apply my lipstick! Everyone asked where I was going and I suddenly felt shy! I told one of them, 'You know!' and he asked me if I was going to apply my lipstick! I just showed my tongue and ran downstairs! Hmm!!! After some time the guys started dancing. The other trainer J wanted to dance with me but promised him next time we would dance together and that’s a promise… Yeah a promise. He seems to kinda like me… Anyway I stuck around there for 3 hrs. V kept asking me to stay but told him I couldn’t. I had a few things to do. I needed to go home early. So on the way back I dropped a couple of colleagues at the bus terminal and I came home. Chatted a bit with Mom and Dad.
Oh I came across someone today… She was studying with me but at a different place and we had good times together. I used to protect her. And when she had problems she would come and stay with me. Or if she had a tiff with other students, I would be the one to go and take her defense… She completed her studies and bad-mouthed me here. Anyway we ignore each other whenever our paths cross. Today when she was walking towards me, we looked at each other and it was clear that we didn’t know what to do. In my case a natural smile came on my face but then I suddenly froze my smile realizing what she did in the past… She said hi to me and I replied back (was quite surprised). And I turned my back and continued my way… Better avoid…
I checked my mails and saw that my ex is sending me mails again… Damn… I have a feeling he is trying to contact me and soon he will call me up… And the day is approaching. I wonder if I should pick up his call. I know I will do whatever I wish… Problem is… I dunno what I want. I have changed so much and have become so flexible in some way that I dunno what I want. I really want to be firm and make decisions like ‘Yes! I like this!’ or ‘No! I don’t like it!’ Well I do have a few things that am firm upon! But still… We’ll see when the time comes. Enough of planning about things and then everything gets fucked up.
What else is new? Hmm only that I won’t be updating too often now… Only when I really get the time to do so… It is getting to tough and am at a point where nothing is certain… I hope things improve. No. I mean to say ‘I hope I improve things’. That’s all I wanna say. There are certain things that are in my hands. And if I can do something about these things then it’s the right time to do so. Move my ass. Fucking shake it I mean!!!
I hope I get some blessings and I start off this week in a better way. Have a better grip on myself and a better focus on my work. That’s all I want right now. And yes I have to do it. Make it happen…
Posted at 01:50 am by starlight
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Drop it man!!! (the pressure!!!)
Had a relaxing day today! Well in the morning went to my optician who told me the reason for my eye problem was due to the glare of the monitor… That’s not news to me. I knew that… I ordered for a new pair of specs but this time with an anti-glare one. Will get it by Tuesday. I guess I have to stick to them for some time… Have to throw away my current lenses coz they got infected and switch to new disposable kinds. That will be after a month or so.
Was with Mom for most of the day. We went shopping a bit and bought a shirt for Dad. Spoke to Sis twice today. Was happy to hear her so happy!
Came home and read a bit till I fell asleep. That was a short nap. Mom and Dad went out for some time and I watched with them when they came back.
Didn’t do much today. Still have some body ache which I know won’t lessen during the week. Gosh! Have a very hectic week ahead. I know it will fly by again. But am not complaining!!! Though I always hated routine, I must say that I don’t mind this one!!! The only problem that arises everyday before going to work is to decide what to wear!!!
Nowadays I sport a necklace with Nefertiti as pendant. And I wear it with a black leather necklace. It’s like a choker. I dunno why suddenly I am fascinated and obsessed by this Greek Queen! One of my colleagues even did some research for both of us and sent me a mail with all infos about her. He keeps teasing me about whether I will disappear like her in 12 years! Lol!
Yesterday I saw one of my colleagues crying. I didn’t know whether to ask her why she was crying. We are not that close. Well to be honest I don’t want to be close to her. We have absolutely different mindsets. Another colleague approached me out of the blue and asked me if I found her normal. Well she is a bit eccentric and he told me he finds her a lil cracked. Hmm… Am much weirder in my head but don’t show it! But it’s different in her case.
We were standing outside having a fag and sipping hot choco and talking about ‘Rakhi’. That’s a festival for brothers and sisters. So that female asked another male colleague whether she should bring one. He refused. I told them I didn’t believe in such things even though I respect the festival. The male colleague told me not to even dare tying that ‘rakhi’. Specially not me! I asked why? He said imagine you and I start going around! Huh??? There is no way!!! No fkg way man!!! Told him we were poles apart and it won’t happen. That girl asked why. I said noway! I don’t and won’t get mixed up with any of my colleagues however interesting they might be! That’s a rule that I hope I will stick to.
Dunno if some people are genuine or are just hypocrites… Will come to know soon. Hopefully in a month’s time. Let’s see how things go. Will just keep observing things. It’s fun to sit back and watch people… even though don’t have much time to do that. But I do send a glimpse or two towards certain people. And as usual am always on my guards. Sometimes I do experience a few slip of the tongue. But have to be more careful. There are too many things at stake. Will talk about that some other time.
Posted at 02:20 am by starlight
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Another week just flew by…
Yup! Now it’s history… Didn’t even notice the days vanishing… Was so busy. It’s become so hectic and now it’s going to be worse. Work is getting increasingly demanding. Have to cope up. And will be working 2 Saturdays. That too have to report at 8am! Sigh…
I got an eye infection and had to wear my specs for work today. Yeah it was a change. Have to stick to my specs for some time till things come back to normal. And have to avoid using the pc during the weekend. It’s all because of wearing contacts and sitting in front of the pc for long hours… Happened to me before. So I know the remedy. Anyhow will go for a check-up in the morning. I really don’t like wearing these specs out. Have to make another one… Another expense!!!
Spoke to Sis yesterday. She is enjoying herself but is very tired at the same time. Am happy that she is enjoying thoroughly. After work I went to the bank to recharge her phone. And it was all dark. I made sure to look for the security before parking the car. When I found him I was a lil reassured and just jumped out of car, did the needful, rushed back to it and immediately locked the doors! And sped off!!! It was a risky thing that I did and won’t repeat it again. If Mom and Dad come to know about this they will definitely forbid me from taking the car!!!
Otherwise nothing much is new. Some people get on my nerves at work but I am not bothered about it anymore. Sounds contradictory but at least I show they bother me and they stop being a nuisance. At least for some time!
Ok am going to bed now as I need to rest my eyes. I do feel tired now. Body is aching. The weekend is a much needed holiday!
Posted at 03:04 am by starlight
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Let's face it... A person cannot make everyone happy... However hard I try, I always end up having to make a choice...
On Sunday night a colleague called me up and asked me what I was doing the next day... My mood was quite off and I didn't feel like talking, lest laugh... And anyway whenever I laugh these days I always end up in a fit of cough! Well my answer was that I wasn't doing anything in particular and he told me that they are all going somewhere and to join them... They are selecting people actually (whom to invite). Then I remembered had to take Mom somewhere and told him that. Anyway told him will let him know in case I was coming over...
Next day I had so many things to do... I smsed him to tell him not to wait for me coz I won't be able to make it. But he called up. I couldn't reply. When I saw his missed call I knew he would try to persuade me to come over. I continued my work and again he called up later. Gosh... Well I didn't know what to do. I simply cannot say 'No!' or let's say I just hate it when I have to give explanations about why I can't make it... Because somehow whatever reason you give, it will sound really futile to the other and will tell me to postpone everything for some other time. But I can't do that. No.
I don't want to make a choice. Coz I have the right to do whatever I want. At least to some extent…
Now I reached home around sevenish and my mood was quite off after some incidents that happened while I was driving. To my disbelief my old friend called me up from USA and I couldn't even speak to him properly coz I was behind the wheels!!! I so wish we could have a small chat!!! I asked him to call me up in half hour but well he didn't call up. But caught up on him on YM. I miss you Dude... Thanks a lot for calling. That was a really really good surprise!
I knew all my colleagues would be mad at me... Well am in a group of guys and we really get along well... They are different from the people I usually mix with. One of a kind. But nice guys. But really I couldn't do otherwise. I couldn't go out with them this time. And I have valid reasons for that.
When I went to work today I knew I would get shit. And I knew they were mad at me. But after some time I just didn't bother. It's up to them to understand that I couldn't come and they should come to terms with that. Even if they decide to stop telling me to join them whenever they go out, that's ok with me... Am the only girl in the group as it is...
I have forgotten my real value... Yeah it's been quite some time now... I haven't been able to bare myself but am doing it today. I don't know my worth anymore. I keep thinking why these people like me... Why they want me around whenever they go out... Am I such good company? I have friends from a lot of places. Some of them I have never met but only got to know them through blogs and chats. But yet, they appreciate me. I wonder why... So far I have never heard that I was boring or whatever... True I admit am quite warm a person and friendly. But that's it... I will run around like a mad dog just to make people happy. True I have been backstabbed a lot many times… Too many actually. But that doesn’t stop me. And I don’t expect anything in return. I know many of my friends will find themselves in what am saying. Maybe that’s why we became such good friends…
I really need some introspection. But somehow I don’t get the time to do that. All I want is to be happy and have peace of mind… Which am unable to get…
My trainer pissed me off today. He caught me off guard with something he said and that pissed me off. I dunno what his problem is. He really has something against me and I seriously dunno what! C’mon man am the 2nd best among the girls in my team and I have proved it to him that he could be wrong about me. Since a couple of weeks I have stayed aloof and if I have a problem I think twice before asking him to help me out. I’d rather do it myself or if I need some reassurance, I ask my other colleagues’ opinions. It’s quite helpful. But that other one is not being too nice. And he knows it.
Coming back to what I was saying before I drifted off, I really dunno what to do… I want to be free. I want to be able to do so many things. I have started late yes. But I couldn’t do otherwise coz of the innumerable bad luck that kept following me. I won’t tread on the past again coz I believe in moving forward. I hope my friend will help me out a bit. Coz am trying. Yes am trying…
I spoke to Sis on Sunday night and I was really relieved. Things are fine and hope she enjoys herself as well… Life is difficult without her around. And even though am working, I do think about what she is doing at some point of time… Am definitely glad that my work keeps me busy. Weekends will be hard again… Will have to find something to do…
It’s past midnight now and am listening to ‘Talk’ by Coldplay. Yeah thinking of Sis and me in the car singing. I pray that she is safe. Coz she can be really clumsy!!! Everything will go fine :o)
I wanna keep writing but right now am running out of words. I wanted to thank someone in Dubai, let’s say I call him Adam, who showed he could be really helpful. We have never met but we’ve been friends since a year now… Generally I really differentiate between acquaintances, friends and colleagues. You must have seen that I mentioned my colleagues as colleagues and not friends. It takes time for me to allow someone to cross the barrier. And well Adam did. Thanks Dude.
Listening to ‘Little by Little’ by Oasis… Nice one…
Will end up on a better note though. Here goes:
'Never argue with an idiot.
For someone may pass by,
and see you arguing,
and not know which one is the idiot.'
Posted at 03:45 am by starlight
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Sis left for Germany today… Was already missing her yesterday even though we were together. Will miss her whenever I go to work coz she drops me on her way to work too. At night I won’t be coming to her room and wake her up and chat with her about how our respective day at work went by… Sis I love you so much… I realize how it feels whenever I used to leave for India for months and you would come back with Mom and Dad at home, feeling strange that you won’t see me for a long time… There is definitely a hollow space inside the house, specially in the heart. Being there and seeing each other matters a lot…
I will stop feeling sorry for myself. I know she will have a great time there. She definitely deserves it! And I pray that things work out really fine in the new environment she will be. I love you Sis and will miss you a lot.
Didn’t go to work on Friday coz of my health. When we went to the doc, he heard me cough and said it was a bad one. Was feeling ok but at work everyone told me I looked sick. Was covered from head to toe!!! Had a muffler, coat and on top of that a woolen shawl. Felt sick by evening and told my superiors I might not be coming the next day if things don’t get better. One of them (seeing my state) asked me if I wanted to take leave but told him it was alright, I could bear it. But didn’t go the next day. Wanted to be with Sis. And I don’t regret it a single bit.
Right now I feel like going to work even though it’s Sunday! Not that am a workaholic but because I don’t like being with that feeling. I don’t like it when I can’t see the person I love so much… Am just gulping down that lump in my throat. Naaah time will fly by fast and all that counts is her happiness. And am sure she will be thrilled and have a fantastic time!
Will go to bed in a few mins. Need to catch up. When I wake up I will feel miserable again and will start counting the hours when I will be able to hear her voice again!!! Just a few hours of patience… Have to study also. I need to keep certain things in my head and organize myself better. Didn’t get the time to do so. I can’t wake up early during the week coz I feel sleepy in the afternoon. And I hate it whenever I start something and can’t finish it in one go. That leaves me frustrated for the rest of the day. Have a holiday tomorrow so hopefully will be able to do it.
That’s it for now. Am not chirpy right now so can’t find other situations to write about. Will do so later when my mood is better.
Posted at 11:58 am by starlight
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Yesterday had a lot to say. But today somehow I lost all inspirations… My moods keep fluctuating and seriously I try my best to be positive… I have the tendency to get influenced by the mood of people around me. A couple of times I just didn’t give a damn about my bad mood. Didn’t bother about keeping my forever smile and just stayed in my corner all alone and mentally tried to comfort and encourage myself regardless of the fact that other people were asking me why I was so bizarre…
Bizarre coz I never showed that I could be disturbed or sad. They say my smile and my behaviour always brings a smile on others and my good mood is contagious… To quote ‘You bring the sunshine wherever you go’… Yeah well sometimes the clouds impose themselves on the sun and force it to take the backseat…
Well somehow things either got better suddenly and then again after a couple of days things get back to the same point… Anyway, what can I say? Life without its vicissitudes wouldn’t be that interesting. Gosh I do sound like an optimistic fool!!!
Things are so-so at my workplace. I discovered what could really repulse me in someone’s attitude. Believe me or not but when a guy was talking about a woman he saw (mind you he is married) and he did a ‘slurp’ sound I felt my stomach churn!!! I felt such a wave of disgust that I couldn’t stop myself from saying out loud ‘Who did this???’. I was well-aware of the fact that he was the one who did it and he said ‘Am sorry’. I said ‘Is this the way you speak about women??? That’s really disgusting!!!’ And that fucker had the guts to ask ‘Why?’ !!!!!!!!!! C’mon man if someone spoke like this about your wife or even your mother am sure you will sock him in the face!!! And respect the other women who can hear what you are saying!!! Go outside and keep on ‘slurping’ with your friend since you don’t know the value of a woman!!!
Another thing he told another colleague was ‘You should never devaluate the ego of a man’ And I asked ‘And what about women?’ And a colleague next to me told me to ‘shut up’ in not a very nice manner. I wanted to lift him off his chair and do something not recommended but I told him with my composure not to speak to me ever again if he cannot show some respect. And that’s it. We haven’t spoken since. And he sits next to me. Tsssst…
We took group photographs and they came out well. The few ladies that are there in the office really think out loud when they see me applying my lipstick after each meal. So what if am going home in a while??? How can it bother them if am doing something that is a nice feminine habit? And that too people I never speak to!!! How can it bother them that much???
A colleague’s Mom passed away and it was more than an hour’s drive from my place. I went to see him and lost my way a couple of times. But another colleague came to meet me at some point and I followed her car till there. It was hard. But well I needed to go there coz we are very friendly to each other. He thanked me for calling him up on the eve to show my sympathy. I hugged him and spoke a bit to him. We stayed for half an hour and then I drove back home. Was tired. Back was aching but that’s ok.
Am continuing my entry after a few days… Let’s say a week!!! Yeah was damn busy as usual… Sigh… Well I had to come back 3 hrs early from work on Friday. Coz my fever was going up. Today there is some improvement but I hope by Monday will feel better. There was another funeral I had to attend this week… Another colleague’s Dad passed away. We are all getting worried at the office… We dunno if it is all a coincidence. We are having doubts. This month 3 of my colleagues’ relatives passed away. That too within a week… Hope this will stop! Coz it’s not normal… Either we are sick or there is a death…
Anyhow, I will stop here for today. Gotta take some rest. Tried to catch up with my mails but still I feel it’s not enough. There are so many things I need to do and I really want to spend time with my family. But I just can’t find the time to do so… Not enough. My working schedule is catapulting everything.
Alright then, hope it won’t be another month before my new entry. Can’t promise anything though… Till then take care and enjoy life!
Posted at 01:49 am by starlight